Posted by: veenachakravarthy on: January 22, 2009
Marriages are made in heaven but sustained in earth. yes, this is true. What is marriage? Marriage is a legalised relationship between a man and a woman which the society honours and accepts. But today we see most of the marriages ending in divorce. Is this due to the changing demands of the society? or due to the various issues that one faces in their personal lives- finance, work stress, family pressure etc. Todays chaning lifestyle has become demanding on us, one has to balance work and home, add to it, in laws, parents, children, financial stress and with all this no time to communicate with the partner and the result- Misunderstandings, disagreements, arguements, fights. One leads to the other and we have the most bitter word staring at our face- DIVORCE. But do we really want a Divorce? Is it really the easy way out as we think most of the times, “take a divorce and get out of this mess” Does it really work this way? I am sure most of us will answer in a negative -NO. Divorce is not what we want, its not the easy way out and certainly not one of the best options. So what do we do to save the marriage. A few tips on how to save the relationship-
COMMUNICATE CLEARLY
Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Open and clear communication is an essential factor in all relationships since thats the best way to share our ideas, opinions, thoughts etc.
Dont Hint, elaborate on your thoughts and communicate the same. Respect your partner, hear them out and try and understand their perspective. Try and evaluate each others points of view and come to a win win situation.
Dont ignore each others needs. When your partner wants to talk, show your interest and listen to them, dont be busy watching TV or reading nespaper. This gives out the message that you are not interested in whatyour partner has to say and you would rather your partner shuts up.
Dont always blame each other for things gone wrong. Dont level accusations at each other because this just gets the defence mechanisms working and the end result is a clash of the egos, where both of you are not willing to concede or even understand. Always put your feelings first, like “I get upset when you dont listen to me when i want to talk, instead you watch TV. This makes me feel as if you are disinterested in my issues” “I feel disturbed when you dont call and communictae your plans to me, this makes me feel as though you dont want to involve me in your decisions”.
When your partner enquires about your issues, dont say “Nothing, there is nothing to say or there is nothing troubling me”. This only puts an end to the communication. Always keep the doors open to any form of communication. Clear expression always makes life simple. Since its easy for both the partners to understand the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of each other. Marriage is always based on Trust. And trust develops through clear communication, and actions.
STOP ASSUMING
Negative thoughts and assumtions spell a death knell for the most beautiful of relationships. When we think negative and assume we dont clarify. We believe our thoughts and assume various tings about our partners which lead to misunderstanding and fights. Never assume things, its always better to clarify things with your partner than assuming and believing incorrect assumptions. A clear and transparent relationship always sails through even the most difficult times, since a transparent relationship is always based on trust and love. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT Notice the little and big things about your partner, and compliment them once in a while. this will make them feel special and feel loved and cared.
THANKS AND APPRECIATION
Always thank your partner for things that they do for you. Do not take your partner for granted. Thanking your partner means showing appreciation for the things they have done for you and the efforts that they have put towards making you feel happy. this would show them that you acknowledge their efforts and do not take them for granted. this will go a long way in making your relationship better.
APPRECIATE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE
Mmake a list of all the good things that you admire about your partner. Communicate this to them and tell them how much you love and admire them for who they are.
TAKE ACTIVE INTEREST
Take an active interest in all the things which are important to your partner. Listen to them attentively. Discuss about their hobbies, interests, career options etc. this would make them feel loved and cared.
MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL
Make your partner feel special by doing something they like. Making breakfast, getting a bed tea, foot massage, taking them out for a candle light dinner. Surprise them at times with things they love.
All these will go a long way in making the relationship lasting and beautiful.
Posted by: veenachakravarthy on: January 12, 2009
We deal with so many people in our day to day lives, but we come across very few people who assert themselves and stand by what they believe in. Usually what we find is the “Herd symdrome” where we all are doing things because one or many of us is doing it. We dont really exercise the options we have wisely. We are busy trying to please others and get their “buy in” for whatever we do. We always try to be in the good books of people close to us, our superiors, colleagues, friends etc inorder to be appreciated, recognised, given attention and accepted. The acceptance is so very important for us that we forget that inorder to be happy we need to be ourselves. Do what we think is right, what we like and what WE really want to do.
We are always trying to please the world, trying to find out what the other person is thinking of us, trying to be right and perfect. We waste so much time assuming what the other person is thinking of us, that we become negative and critical of ourselves. we lose the self confidence and belief in ourselves. We are always trying and contemplating about what the others think of us, how they feel about us and if we are able to measure up to their expectations. So much so that we dont realise we have lost the real US. Deep down we are always unsatisfied, unhappy and miserable because we are not being ourselves. We are trying to be someone we are not. All this because we dont have the strength to stand for what we believe in and what we think is right.
People bully on reputation. people who mock us and ridicule our ideas and opinions are often those who cant stand up for themselves and have come to think of criticism and aggression as a convenient mode to ridicule people. When they come across someone who are able to express themselves freely and stand up for their rights and beliefs, these agressive people try and bully them. But people with a mind of their own are seldom harassed by such attacks and criticism and always stand up for their rights.
There is a very fineline between aggression and assertion. Aggressive people are cold, humiliating. They insult others, bully others and can be abusive. But assertive people are always respectful, sensitive, caring but at the same time asseert themselves and express themselves clearly.
We all have the right to express ourselves freely and we should always do that. Free expression is very essential for a happy life, and emotional well being.
Posted by: veenachakravarthy on: January 12, 2009
A good way to stop ruminating over past events is to distract yourself. To break the repetitive thought cycle, experts recommend diverting your attention from ‘that’ particular thought for about 10 to 15 minutes. So, next time obsessive thoughts strike, try losing yourself in a book, playing with your dog or anything that engrosses you.
Get active
Obsessive thoughts can lead to depression as your mind can’t stop ruminating over something that you perceive as negative. Next time you feel anxious, go for a jog or just engross yourself in music. Any physical activity releases endorphins or feel-good hormones which will help uplift your mood and help you think more rationally. Besides, being active will help distract you from repetitive thoughts.
Sit still
Meditate, pray or take a long walk on the beach or just indulge in any other activity that you find calming. Largely when we obsess, we tend to dwell over events that we perceive to be negative and keep trying to set things right. But, if you’re all charged up and obsessing over it, you probably won’t be able to see a solution in sight. So calm yourself. This gets rid of that awful feeling of urgency and helps you view things from a fresh perspective.
Be positive
Cut out those negative thinking patterns. When obsessive thoughts take over, repeat the following affirmation to yourself, ‘I am a positive person’ or ‘I always think positively.’ A positive person doesn’t ruminate over past events or worry endlessly about negative outcomes. This might seem like new-age philosophy, but affirmations work at a sub-conscious level and over time you shall notice that affirmations do change your thoughts.
Phone a friend
It’s an option, use it! Because, when you’re obsessing over something, you’re definitely not thinking rationally. So, call up a friend and talk it out. Let him/her check your irrational thoughts. Over time, you will learn to check your own thoughts.
Rectify mistakes
All right, some good does come out of obsessive thoughts — you land up changing yourself. For instance, you may be dwelling over having lost your temper on your spouse and said some harsh words. And if you’re not happy about that aspect of your personality, then think about it rationally. Finally, work to alter it. The fact that you’re ready to change yourself, will break the guilt trip you’ve sent yourself on, which in turn will break the thought pattern.
Write it down
Try and maintain a log of your obsessive thoughts. For instance, ‘If I don’t fare well on the test, my classmates will think I am a fool,’ or ‘He/she didn’t greet me today, this proves they don’t like me, but why don’t they like me?’ This gives you clarity of thought and over time you may notice a pattern in your thoughts which could point to larger issues such as perhaps low self-esteem, low confidence levels etc. Try and deal with those deeper issues and chances are you’ll manage to break free of the obsessive thinking pattern.
Since this may be too much of a task to deal with on your own, don’t be afraid to ask for professional help.
Posted by: veenachakravarthy on: January 12, 2009
Communication is a very essential tool to sustain any relationship.Expressing oneself clearly is very essential to keep the relationship going the right way. Hectic life, busy work schedules, stress, lack of time, health issues, kids, parents, in laws etc, can all be a limiting factor in establishing a good communication flow going. But marriage demands that “together time” which is so essential.
Communication is not just about expressing oneself but its also about being a good listener and understanding your partner. One should not communicate inorder to win or prove oneself right. But communication should be used as a means to express, understand and reach a win win solution.
Many relationships and marriages break or end in divorce because of lack of communication or incorrect communication. Many couples say we have tried many ways of communicating but it just doesnt seem to work.But have you tried to communicate effectively? Have you tried to listen, understand and express without trying to prove a point and win the arguement? Have you tried to respect each others reasons, point of view and opinion? Have you communicated to establish your intelligence and superiority or to reach an amicable solution?
Communication is not about being aggressive and making strong statements but one needs to respect each others point of view, understand the issue and try and look at it from each others perspective and take the best option and decision, which should be mutual.Its important to clarify and not assume things. Incase of doubt its always better to clarify your partners statements and intentions instead of assuming and harbouring negative thoughts. Effective communication always leads to a harmonious relationship, provides peace of mind, puts an end to suspicion and unwanted thoughts and assumtions.Emotional intimacy is dependent on good communication.So how do you get that “together time” and establish effective communication? Always take some time out to be with each other and share the days happenings with each other. You could take the time out by going for walks after dinner, exercising together, calling each other a couple of times through the day, even if its for just 3-5 minutes. These things look very simple but they increase your emotional intimacy and bonding. Showing care and concern to each other in simple ways like enquiring about each others health, day to day activities, reminding each other about important events, meetings and schedules help take the relationship a long way.
But also there are some basic things which one must avoid to maintain that mutual respect.Things like avoiding to communicate when your partner wants to communicate, not being clear and specific, rolling your eyes and making mockery of your partners opinion, watching TV and giving a cold shoulder to the partner, showing disinterest in the partners needs etc. Such tactics leads to anger, irritation and ends in a fight leading to bitterness.One needs to understand that relationships are based on needs. These needs have to be met and fulfilled in order to make the relationship beautiful. Most of the times one remembers only unfulfilled needs and forgets all the needs which were met. The best way to nurture a relationship is to find out what the partner needs and fulfill it.
Posted by: veenachakravarthy on: January 12, 2009
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